家暴，避難所，離婚。。。主教大人如是說
文章來源: 禦樹林楓 於 2013-02-07 12:57:56

何時我當求助 - 一個神甫對婦女遭受家庭暴力的回答

來源：United States Conference of Catholic Bishops 美國天主教主教聯會網頁

翻譯：義工禦樹林楓 


一開始，我年輕。 。 。他英俊。他說我美麗，聰明，是值得愛的人。 。 。這使我也有同感。後來我們就結婚了，一起幸福地走過教堂的過道，神祝福我們的結合。

然後是氣話。 。 。撕裂般的語言。 。 。 。現在，我被弄的覺得自己醜陋，愚蠢，不值得任何來自神或人的愛。

接下來是毆打。 。 。無情的暴力行為。 。 。和不斷的痛苦。我不應該留下來，但是這是我的丈夫。 。 。承諾過永遠。他說，這是我應得的。 。 。也許是真的。 。 。如果我做得足夠好。我覺得很孤獨。 。 。難道上帝沒有聽到我每天晚上躺在床上，默默地哭泣嗎？

終於我明白了，終於我得到了解脫。這不是我的錯。 。 。是他的錯。 。 。 。我值得愛，我值得神的和他人的愛。一個春天的早晨，我的心裏充滿了希望，如今唯一的擔心隻是自己必須獨自重新開始。因此，我離開了。 。 。順著我們公寓樓的走廊一路走下去。 。 。永遠不會再保持沉默。 。 。永遠不會再遭受那樣的暴力，承受那樣的痛苦。

--- 一個遭受暴力的妻子

引言
作為美國天主教會的神甫，我們明確地嚴正地聲明，我們永遠不認可針對婦女的暴力，無論家裏還是家外。任何形式的暴力--“肢體，性，心理或言語”都是罪惡的，並且多數情況下是刑事犯罪行為。我們呼籲一場道德革命，來取代暴力文化。我們認識到暴力有多種形式、很多原因、許多受害者，其中既有女人也有男人。

按照天主教的教導，對他人任何形式的暴力侵害都是不把他人做為一個值得愛的人的行為。相反，暴力侵害把他人作為一個可使用的物品。當暴力發生在神聖的婚姻中，受虐配偶可能會問：“這些暴力行為涉及我當初“他無論好壞”的承諾，怎麽辦？” 被虐待的人必須知道，為結束受虐而采取的行動並不違背婚姻的承諾。雖然暴力可能會針對男性的，但受害的婦女和兒童更多。

1992年我們發布了反對家庭暴力宣言。我們號召基督教社區嚴厲打擊家庭暴力。從那時起，許多教區、堂區和組織把家庭暴力做為一個重點問題來對待解決。我們讚賞並鼓勵這些努力。

在此，我們對1992年的聲明進行更新；我們再次表示我們願意為受虐的婦女和施虐的男人提供教會的資源。這兩個群體都需要耶穌的力量和醫治。

因為85％的非致命性的家庭暴力案件的受害者是婦女，我們更加關注對婦女的暴力行為。婦女遭受暴力的最大風險來自於親密伴侶 --現任或前任丈夫或男友。

針對婦女的家庭暴力對兒童會產生嚴重影響。超過50％虐待妻子的男人也打他們的孩子。暴力家庭中的孩子長大後更容易酒精和藥物成癮，並成為施虐者。這樣暴力會一代又一代地循環上演。

教會可以幫助打破這種惡性循環。因為教會被認為是一個安全的地方，許多受虐婦女首先從教會尋求幫助。即使施虐者會將受害者從其他社交活動中孤立，但他們一般會允許受害者去教堂。為了認識教會所能發揮的重要作用，我們要對以下的幾個群體發表聲明：

遭受暴力的女性受害者和可能需要在教會的幫助下擺脫痛苦和孤獨的人們;
神甫，教區人員和教育工作者，那些通常接待受虐婦女的人們;
不知道如何擺脫暴力的惡性循環的施虐的男人; 以及
對婦女遭受家庭暴力的程度有一定認識的並取得一定進展的社會群體。

我們認識到針對婦女的暴力問題包涵許多方麵。這個聲明並不是麵麵俱到的，而是一個知識性的介紹，以及一些給教區和堂區的實用建議。

家庭暴力概述
家庭暴力是任何一種使用威脅和恐嚇來控製親密伴侶的行為，包括身體，性，心理，言語和經濟虐待。例如：毆打，辱罵和侮辱，威脅要殺死或傷害伴侶或子女，毀壞財產，婚內強奸，強迫絕育或人工流產。

年輕未婚女性遭受家庭暴力的風險最高。根據美國政府的調查，53%的受害者被現在或以前的男/女朋友虐待。33%的受害者被配偶虐待，而14%聲稱迫害者是前配偶。同其他年齡段相比，16-24歲的婦女有三倍的被其親密伴侶攻擊的風險；35-49歲的受害者被殺的風險最高。

雖然在所有的種族和經濟背景中都有虐待發生，但某些婦女麵臨著特殊的困難。有色人種的婦女可能認為刑事司法係統不能夠幫助她們。此外，在一些文化中，婦女有家醜不外揚的壓力，她們不惜一切代價保持家庭完整。有些人擔心離婚會丟臉。移民婦女往往不熟悉這個國家的語言和法律製度。施虐者可能會威脅要把她們驅逐出境。

鄉村婦女可發現的資源更少。距離和交通匱乏所導致的隔離使她們的情況更為嚴重。隔離也是婦女不離家工作的一個因素。他們所能獲得的經濟資源和有關家庭暴力的信息可能更少。殘疾婦女和老年婦女也特別容易遭受暴力。

一些遭受家庭暴力的人也是纏擾行為的受害者。纏擾行為包括跟蹤，騷擾電話，惡意破壞財產。8％的美國婦女曾經被纏擾過，每年超過一百萬婦女被纏擾。纏擾行為是一種獨特的犯罪，因為纏擾者都非常癡迷於控製受害者的行動和感情。受害者可能會極度緊張，憤怒，壓抑，無法相信任何人。

家庭暴力往往被籠罩在沉默中。即使懷疑有虐待存在，外人對是否幹預會猶豫不決。出於對施虐者表忠，或為了保全家庭的形象的目的，很多時候親屬甚至否認虐待存在。有些人仍然錯誤地認為的外部的幹預會危害的神聖的家庭。然而，虐待和毆打不會因為發生在家庭中就無足輕重。即使家庭暴力被曝光後，有時受害者也沒被充分保護，肇事者也沒有被懲罰。

為什麽男人打人
家庭暴力是後天學來的行為。打人的男人通過觀察、經曆和反複鞏固來學會虐待。他們認為自己有權利施暴；他們得到了獎賞，即他們的行為給了他們自己權力，並且控製了伴侶。

施虐的男人來自各個經濟層次、種族、宗教和職業。在教會和社區裏，施暴者可能是個“好人”和被尊重的人。雖然並不是隻有一種類型夫人施虐者，但他們有一些共同特征。他們往往是非常嫉妒，占有欲強，很容易被激怒。原因可能會是配偶經常給媽媽打電話，或是因為她沒有去修車。許多施虐者都試圖孤立受害者，限製她們與家人朋友聯係。

一般來說，施虐者否認施虐或是輕描淡寫。他們經常把自己的虐待行為歸罪於其他事或其他人。他們告訴伴侶，“是你使得我這樣的。”

許多施虐男人持有女人是下等人的觀點。他們的談話和語言會暴露他們對女人的社會地位的態度。他們中不少人認為，男人生來就是要支配和控製婦女的。

酒精和毒品經常伴隨家庭暴力發生，但不是導致家庭暴力的原因。一個酗酒吸毒的虐待者有兩個不同的毛病：濫用酒精毒品和施暴。兩者都必須要得到醫治。

為什麽女人留下
女人和施虐男人住在一起主要出於恐懼。有的害怕失去孩子。有的覺得自己都不能養活自己，更別提養活孩子。

當第一次暴力行為發生時，女人可能難以置信。當施虐者道歉並承諾不再施暴時，她相信了施虐者。當暴力重複發生時，許多女性認為如果自己有所改變，對方就可以停止虐待。她們可能羞於承認所愛的人正恐嚇自己。有些人不承認或意識不到自己是受虐婦女。另一些人忍受著精神創傷和受虐婦女綜合症。

請牢記： 當離開施虐者或向法律機構尋求幫助時，一些受虐女人有很高的被殺的風險。要告訴婦女她們麵臨的危險。如果一個女人決定離開，她需要有一個安全計劃，包括避難所和援救機構的名稱和電話。因為感到留下更安全，一些受害者可能選擇不離開。最終，必須讓受虐婦女自己決定是離開還是留下。

教會對家庭暴力的回應

聖經和教會的教義
對於受虐待的婦女，宗教可以是資源或路障。作為一種資源，它鼓勵女性抵抗虐待。作為路障，對聖經和教會教義的誤讀會加重受害者的自責與痛苦，並使施虐行為合理化。

受虐婦女常說，“我不能離開。《聖經》說，這是錯誤的。”施虐的男人常說：“《聖經》裏寫著，我的妻子應該服從於我。”他們通過歪曲聖經的文字來為他們施虐找依據。

作為主教，我們譴責使用《聖經》來支持任何形式的虐待行為。正確的讀經使人們了解男性和女性的尊嚴平等，關係要建立在互助和互愛的基礎上 。從創世紀開始，聖經教導，男人和女人是按照神的形象創造的。耶穌自己一向尊重女子人的尊嚴。教皇約翰•保羅二世提醒我們，“基督的行事方式，他的言行福音，從來都反對任何對婦女尊嚴的冒犯。”

施虐男子經常使用以弗所書5:22斷章取義來證明自己的行為，但段落（第21-33節）指的是丈夫和妻子共同順服對基督的愛。丈夫應該愛妻子，好像愛自己的身體，就像基督愛教會一樣。

施虐男子還引用聖經說，受害者應當原諒他們（例如，馬太福音 6:9-15）。受害者如果不原諒就應當感到有罪。原諒絕無可能意味著遺忘虐待或假裝虐待沒有發生。寬恕不是允許虐待的反複發生。寬恕是指受害人決定釋手過去，帶著更深入的了解和信念前行，不再容忍任何形式的虐待。

因為她過去做過的某件讓她有負罪感的事情，受虐婦女可能把她遭受的虐待當作是對她的正當的懲罰。她可能試圖解釋說，這是“上帝的旨意”，或是“上帝為我安排的劫數”，或“上帝的方式給我一個教訓。”這個嚴酷，殘忍的神的形象與聖經裏麵的善良、寬容和慈愛的上帝背道而馳。耶穌盡力幫助受難女性。想一想那個曾經出血不止的女人（馬可福音5:25-34）或那個被發現通奸的女人（約翰福音第8章1:11節）。上帝許諾要在我們痛苦時和我們在一起，在我們承受不公正的痛苦時更是和我們在一起。

最後，我們強調的是，沒有人要求受虐者維持婚姻。一些受虐女性認為，教會所教導婚姻的持久性會要求她們保持虐待的婚姻關係。她們對分居或離婚的要求感到猶豫不絕。她們擔心不能在教堂再婚。破壞婚姻的是暴力和虐待，而不是離婚。我們鼓勵已經離婚的受虐者探尋婚姻注銷（annulment）的可能性。注銷婚姻，就決定了婚姻無效，往往能為未來的愈合打開一扇門。

第一響應者：神甫，執事，和平信聖徒職

許多神甫希望能幫助到受虐待的婦女，但是擔心他們自己不是家庭暴力的專家。如果受虐婦女接近神職人員尋求幫助，神職人員可能對傳講有關家庭暴力的話題很遲疑，因為他們不知該怎麽做。

我們要求他們注意，教會神甫進行家庭暴力幹預有三個目標，按照下列順序：
1。受害者和兒童的安全;
2。追究施虐者的責任;
3。修複關係（如果可能的話），或哀悼逝去的關係。

我們也鼓勵教會的神甫把自己看作是“第一響應者”
傾聽並相信受害者的故事，
幫助她評估她自己和孩子的危險， 以及
介紹她去谘詢以及其他的專業化服務。

教會的神甫應熟悉她們的情況，並遵循所在州的向執法機構報告的要求。許多專業人士在接待弱勢群體時，都必須向執法機構報告犯罪嫌疑，其中包括家庭暴力犯罪。

你能如何幫助
我們為（上麵提到的）幾個群體提供些實用的建議。

給受虐待的婦女
讓她們相信，您並不孤單，您和您的孩子可以得到幫助
您和可以信任的人秘密交談：親戚，朋友，宗教的兄弟姐妹，堂司鐸，教區神甫，執事，和平信聖徒職
如果您選擇不離開，至少在目前要有一個行動計劃以確保安全。這包括在安全的地方隱藏車鑰匙、個人證件和一些錢，並找好在緊急情況下可去的地方。
了解您當地幫助受虐婦女和孩子的資源。公共電話簿中列出了您當地的有關號碼。您的教區的天主教慈善機構辦公室或家庭生活辦公室都可以提供幫助。天主教慈善機構有合格的顧問提供緊急援助以及其他各種幫助。
全國家庭暴力熱線提供危機幹預，並且會介紹您給當地的服務機構。請致電800-799-SAFE（7233）或800-787-3224（TTY）。電子郵件援助是ndvh@ndvh.org。一些社區的受虐待婦女可用手機撥打911求救。

給那些施虐者

要認識到虐待是你自己的問題，而不是你的伴侶的問題，拿出男子漢的勇氣去尋求幫助。相信你自己，如果你堅持努力，你可以改變你的行為。

要願意尋求幫助。跟一個你信任的人交談來幫助你評估你的情況。到天主教慈善機構或其他教會或社會機構尋找挽救施虐者的課程。

請記住教會可以幫助你。耶穌的使命的一部分就是當你需要的時候委托我們提供療愈。所以，請與你的教區聯係。

當你變得沮喪或生氣，尋找其他非暴力行為緩解你的情緒。跟其他成功克服虐待行為的人交談，弄清他們是怎麽做到的。

給神甫和教牧人員
使你的教區成為一個安全的地方，這樣受虐待的婦女和施虐者可以來尋求幫助。下麵是一些具體的建議：

教區公告、通訊和網站上公布關於家庭暴力和本地資源的信息。
在女衛生間裏放置這份和/或其他有關家庭暴力信息的小冊子，附上當地求助電話號碼
保留並更新幫助受虐待婦女的資源信息。這是給教區，社會公正委員會，或婦女團體的一項工作。
找一個願意接受強化的家庭暴力知識的培訓的工作人員或誌願者，要求此人作為處理家庭暴力問題的資源，並幫助普及有關虐待行為相關知識。
對所有的神父、執事、信徒傳道師提供關於家庭暴力的培訓。在可能的情況下提供機會，讓他們直接聽到暴力受害者的聲音。
參加10月全國的 “家庭暴力宣傳月”。當月至少有一個周末，向教友宣講有關家庭暴力的內容。在這個月裏提供教育和培訓，幫助所有人（不分男女，是否成年）了解家庭暴力對個人和社會的影響。幫助他們了解心理虐待隨著時間的推移會升級。教他們如何無暴力溝通。

利用禮拜來引起對暴力虐待的重視。這裏有一些特別的建議：
布道時，在適當的時候提及家庭暴力。隻要提到家庭暴力，受虐女人就會知道有人在關心她們。要描述什麽是虐待，這樣，一旦虐待發生時，女性就會及時的識別虐待行為。觀看視頻When You Preach, Remember M（見參考資料）。

在教區調解服務時，指出對婦女的暴力行為是一種罪惡。

為受害者、施虐者和那些幫助他們的人禱告。

如果你懷疑有虐待存在，要直接提問。問她是否被打或受傷。仔細評估她的反應。有些女性並沒有意識到自己被虐待，或者為了保護配偶而說謊。她們覺得受虐是她的錯，她必須改變自己的行為。 請小心不要說任何可能導致她們加固這些理念的話。

任何時候都要有一個行動計劃，以便受害婦女要求幫助時可以遵循。這包括何時她們介紹到什麽地方去尋求幫助。如果你已經和當地的避難所和家庭暴力機構建立了聯係，就會更容易些。

在結婚準備會議中討論家庭暴力的話題。如果在現有關係中暴力已經開始，結婚後隻會加劇。

在洗禮準備程序中要警示：一個孩子的到來和隨之而來的壓力可能會增加家庭暴力的風險。


當我尋求幫助：禱告

禱告是一個愈合我們基督徒的方式。讚美詩55是特別適合受虐婦女的祈禱。和你們一起，我們用這些詩句禱告：

Listen, God, to my prayer;
do not hide from my pleading;
hear me and give answer.

If an enemy had reviled me,
that I could bear;
If my foe had viewed me with contempt,
from that I could hide.
But it was you, my other self,
my comrade and friend,
You, whose company I enjoyed,
at whose side I walked
in procession in the house of God.

But I will call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
At dusk, dawn, and noon
I will grieve and complain,
and my prayer will be heard.
(Ps 55:2-3, 13-15, 17-18)


原文
http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm

When I Call for Help: A Pastoral Response to Domestic Violence Against Women

 
In the beginning, I was young . . . he was handsome. He said I was beautiful, smart, worthy of love . . . made me feel that way. And so we were married, walking joyfully together down a church aisle, our union blessed by God.

Then came the angry words . . . the verbal tearing apart. . . . Now I was made to feel ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of any love, God's or man's.

Next came the beatings . . . unrelenting violence . . . unceasing pain. I shouldn't stay, but this is my husband . . . promised forever. He says I deserve it . . . maybe I do . . . if I could just be good. I feel so alone . . . doesn't God hear me when I cry out silently as I lie in bed each night?

Finally came the release, the realization. It's not me . . . it's him. . . . I am worthy of love, God's and man's. One spring morning, my heart was filled with hope and with fear now only of starting over on my own. And so again I walked . . . down the hallway of our apartment building . . . never again to be silent . . . never again to live with that kind of violence, to suffer that kind of pain.
—A battered wife1

 

Introduction

As pastors of the Catholic Church in the United States, we state as clearly and strongly as we can that violence against women, inside or outside the home, is never justified. Violence in any form"—physical, sexual, psychological, or verbal"—is sinful; often, it is a crime as well. We have called for a moral revolution to replace a culture of violence. We acknowledge that violence has many forms, many causes, and many victims—men as well as women.2

The Catholic Church teaches that violence against another person in any form fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Instead, it treats the person as an object to be used. When violence occurs within a sacramental marriage, the abused spouse may question, "How do these violent acts relate to my promise to take my spouse for better or for worse?" The person being assaulted needs to know that acting to end the abuse does not violate the marriage promises. While violence can be directed towards men, it tends to harm women and children more.

In 1992 we spoke out against domestic violence. We called on the Christian community to work vigorously against it. Since then, many dioceses, parishes, and organizations have made domestic violence a priority issue. We commend and encourage these efforts.

In this update of our 1992 statement, we again express our desire to offer the Church's resources to both the women who are abused and the men who abuse. Both groups need Jesus' strength and healing.3

We focus here on violence against women, since 85 percent of the victims of reported cases of non-lethal domestic violence are women.4 Women's greatest risk of violence comes from intimate partners—a current or former husband or boyfriend.5

Violence against women in the home has serious repercussions for children. Over 50 percent of men who abuse their wives also beat their children.6 Children who grow up in violent homes are more likely to develop alcohol and drug addictions and to become abusers themselves.7 The stage is set for a cycle of violence that may continue from generation to generation.

The Church can help break this cycle. Many abused women seek help first from the Church because they see it as a safe place. Even if their abusers isolate them from other social contacts, they may still allow them to go to church. Recognizing the critical role that the Church can play, we address this statement to several audiences:

  • To women who are victims of violence and who may need the Church's help to break out of their pain and isolation;
  • To pastors, parish personnel, and educators, who are often the first responders for abused women;
  • To men who abuse and may not know how to break out of the cycle of violence; and
  • To society, which has made some strides towards recognizing the extent of domestic violence against women.
We recognize that violence against women has many dimensions. This statement is not meant to be all-inclusive, but rather to be an introduction, along with some practical suggestions of what dioceses and parishes can do now.

An Overview of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is any kind of behavior that a person uses to control an intimate partner through fear and intimidation. It includes physical, sexual, psychological, verbal, and economic abuse. Some examples of domestic abuse include battering, name-calling and insults, threats to kill or harm one's partner or children, destruction of property, marital rape, and forced sterilization or abortion.8

Younger, unmarried women are at greatest risk for domestic violence. According to a U.S. government survey, 53 percent of victims were abused by a current or former girlfriend or boyfriend. One-third of all victims were abused by a spouse, while 14 percent said that the offender was an ex-spouse. Women ages 16 to 24 are nearly three times as vulnerable to attacks by intimate partners as those in other age groups; abuse victims between ages 35 and 49 run the highest risk of being killed.9

While abuse cuts across all ethnic and economic backgrounds, some women face particular obstacles. Women of color may not view the criminal justice system as a source of help. Additionally, in some cultures women feel pressured to keep problems within the home and to keep the family together at all costs. Some fear that they will lose face in the community if they leave. Immigrant women often lack familiarity with the language and legal systems of this country. Their abusers may threaten them with deportation.

Women in rural communities may find themselves with fewer resources. The isolation imposed by distance and lack of transportation can aggravate their situation. Isolation can also be a factor for women who do not work outside the home. They may have less access to financial resources and to information about domestic violence. Women with disabilities and elderly women are also particularly vulnerable to violence.

Some who suffer from domestic violence are also victims of stalking, which includes following a person, making harassing phone calls, and vandalizing property. Eight percent of women in the United States have been stalked at some time in their lives, and more than one million are stalked annually.10 Stalking is a unique crime because stalkers are obsessed with controlling their victims' actions and feelings. A victim can experience extreme stress, rage, depression, and an inability to trust anyone.

Domestic violence is often shrouded in silence. People outside the family hesitate to interfere, even when they suspect abuse is occurring. Many times even extended family denies that abuse exists, out of loyalty to the abuser and in order to protect the image of the family. Some people still argue—mistakenly—that intervention by outside sources endangers the sanctity of the home. Yet abuse and assault are no less serious when they occur within a family. Even when domestic violence is reported, sometimes there are failures to protect victims adequately or to punish perpetrators.

Why Men Batter

Domestic violence is learned behavior. Men who batter learn to abuse through observation, experience, and reinforcement. They believe that they have a right to use violence; they are also rewarded, that is, their behavior gives them power and control over their partner.

Abusive men come from all economic classes, races, religions, and occupations. The batterer may be a "good provider" and a respected member of his church and community. While there is no one type, men who abuse share some common characteristics. They tend to be extremely jealous, possessive, and easily angered. A man may fly into a rage because his spouse called her mother too often or because she didn't take the car in for servicing. Many try to isolate their partners by limiting their contact with family and friends.

Typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is happening, or they minimize it. They often blame their abusive behavior on someone or something other than themselves. They tell their partner, "You made me do this."

Many abusive men hold a view of women as inferior. Their conversation and language reveal their attitude towards a woman's place in society. Many believe that men are meant to dominate and control women.

Alcohol and drugs are often associated with domestic violence, but they do not cause it. An abusive man who drinks or uses drugs has two distinct problems: substance abuse and violence. Both must be treated.

Why Women Stay

Women stay with men who abuse them primarily out of fear. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot support themselves, much less their children.

When the first violent act occurs, the woman is likely to be incredulous. She believes her abuser when he apologizes and promises that it will not happen again. When it does—repeatedly—many women believe that if they just act differently they can stop the abuse. They may be ashamed to admit that the man they love is terrorizing them. Some cannot admit or realize that they are battered women. Others have endured trauma and suffer from battered womaen syndrome.

REMEMBER: Some battered women run a high risk of being killed when they leave their abuser or seek help from the legal system. It is important to be honest with women about the risks involved. If a woman decides to leave, she needs to have a safety plan, including the names and phone numbers of shelters and programs. Some victims may choose to stay at this time because it seems safer. Ultimately, abused women must make their own decisions about staying or leaving.

The Church Responds to Domestic Violence

Scripture and Church Teachings
Religion can be either a resource or a roadblock for battered women. As a resource, it encourages women to resist mistreatment. As a roadblock, its misinterpretation can contribute to the victim's self-blame and suffering and to the abuser's rationalizations.

Abused women often say, "I can't leave this relationship. The Bible says it would be wrong." Abusive men often say, "The Bible says my wife should be submissive to me." They take the biblical text and distort it to support their right to batter.

As bishops, we condemn the use of the Bible to support abusive behavior in any form. A correct reading of Scripture leads people to an understanding of the equal dignity of men and women and to relationships based on mutuality and love. Beginning with Genesis, Scripture teaches that women and men are created in God's image. Jesus himself always respected the human dignity of women. Pope John Paul II reminds us that "Christ's way of acting, the Gospel of his words and deeds, is a consistent protest against whatever offends the dignity of women."11

Men who abuse often use Ephesians 5:22, taken out of context, to justify their behavior, but the passage (v. 21-33) refers to the mutual submission of husband and wife out of love for Christ. Husbands should love their wives as they love their own body, as Christ loves the Church.

Men who batter also cite Scripture to insist that their victims forgive them (see, for example, Mt 6:9-15). A victim then feels guilty if she cannot do so. Forgiveness, however, does not mean forgetting the abuse or pretending that it did not happen. Neither is possible. Forgiveness is not permission to repeat the abuse. Rather, forgiveness means that the victim decides to let go of the experience and move on with greater insight and conviction not to tolerate abuse of any kind again.

An abused woman may see her suffering as just punishment for a past deed for which she feels guilty. She may try to explain suffering by saying that it is "God's will" or "part of God's plan for my life" or "God's way of teaching me a lesson." This image of a harsh, cruel God runs contrary to the biblical image of a kind, merciful, and loving God. Jesus went out of his way to help suffering women. Think of the woman with the hemorrhage (Mk 5:25-34) or the woman caught in adultery (Jn 8:1-11). God promises to be present to us in our suffering, even when it is unjust.

Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing.

First Responders: Priests, Deacons, and Lay Ministers

Many church ministers want to help abused women but worry that they are not experts on domestic violence. Clergy may hesitate to preach about domestic violence because they are unsure what to do if an abused woman approaches them for help.

We ask them to keep in mind that intervention by church ministers has three goals, in the following order:

  1. Safety for the victim and children;

  2. Accountability for the abuser; and

  3. Restoration of the relationship (if possible), or mourning over the loss of the relationship.
We also encourage church ministers to see themselves as "first responders" who
  • Listen to and believe the victim's story,
  • Help her to assess the danger to herself and her children, and
  • Refer her to counseling and other specialized services.
Church ministers should become familiar with and follow the reporting requirements of their state. Many professionals who deal with vulnerable people are required to report suspected crimes, which may include domestic abuse.

In dealing with people who abuse, church ministers need to hold them accountable for their behavior. They can support the abusive person as he seeks specialized counseling to change his abusive behavior. Couple counseling is not appropriate and can endanger the victim's safety.

What You Can Do to Help

We offer the following practical suggestions for several audiences.

For Abused Women

  • Begin to believe that you are not alone and that help is available for you and your children.
  • Talk in confidence to someone you trust: a relative, friend, parish priest, deacon, religious sister or brother, or lay minister.
  • If you choose to stay in the situation, at least for now, set up a plan of action to ensure your safety. This includes hiding a car key, personal documents, and some money in a safe place and locating somewhere to go in an emergency.
  • Find out about resources in your area that offer help to battered women and their children. The phone book lists numbers to call in your local area. Your diocesan Catholic Charities office or family life office can help. Catholic Charities often has qualified counselors on staff and can provide emergency assistance and other kinds of help.
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to local service providers. Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TTY). E-mail assistance is available at ndvh@ndvh.org. In some communities, cell phones programmed to 911 are made available to abused women.
For Men Who Abuse
  • Admit that the abuse is your problem, not your partner's, and have the manly courage to seek help. Begin to believe that you can change your behavior if you choose to do so.
  • Be willing to reach out for help. Talk to someone you trust who can help you evaluate the situation. Contact Catholic Charities or other church or community agencies for the name of a program for abusers.
  • Keep in mind that the Church is available to help you. Part of the mission Jesus entrusted to us is to offer healing when it is needed. Contact your parish.
  • Find alternative ways to act when you become frustrated or angry. Talk to other men who have overcome abusive behavior. Find out what they did and how they did it.
For Pastors and Pastoral Staff
Make your parish a safe place where abused women and abusive men can come for help. Here are some specific suggestions:
  • Include information about domestic violence and local resources in parish bulletins and newsletters and on websites.
  • Place copies of this brochure and/or other information, including local telephone numbers for assistance about domestic violence, in the women's restroom(s).
  • Keep an updated list of resources for abused women. This can be a project for the parish pastoral council, social justice committee, or women's group.
  • Find a staff person or volunteer who is willing to receive in-depth training on domestic violence; ask this person to serve as a resource and to help educate others about abuse.
  • Provide training on domestic violence to all church ministers, including priests, deacons and lay ministers. When possible, provide opportunities for them to hear directly from victims of violence.
  • Join in the national observance of October as "Domestic Violence Awareness Month." Dedicate at least one weekend that month to inform parishioners about domestic abuse. During that month, make available educational and training programs in order to sensitize men and women, girls and boys to the personal and social effects of violence in the family. Help them to see how psychological abuse may escalate over time. Teach them how to communicate without violence.
Use liturgies to draw attention to violence and abuse. Here are some specific suggestions:
  • In homilies, include a reference to domestic violence when appropriate. Just a mention of domestic violence lets abused women know that someone cares. Describe what abuse is so that women begin to recognize and name what is happening to them. Watch the video When You Preach, Remember Me (see Resources).
  • In parish reconciliation services, identify violence against women as a sin.
  • Include intercessions for victims of abuse, people who abuse people, and those who work with them.
  • If you suspect abuse, ask direct questions. Ask the woman if she is being hit or hurt at home. Carefully evaluate her response. Some women do not realize they are being abused, or they lie to protect their spouses. Be careful not to say anything that will bolster her belief that it is her fault and that she must change her behavior.
  • Have an action plan in place to follow if an abused woman calls on you for help. This includes knowing how and where to refer her for help. This will be easier if you have already established contact with local shelters and domestic violence agencies.
  • Include a discussion of domestic violence in marriage preparation sessions. If violence has already begun in the relationship, it will only escalate after marriage.
  • In baptismal preparation programs, be alert that the arrival of a child and its attendant stress may increase the risk of domestic violence.
When I Call for Help: A Prayer

One source of healing we have in our lives as Christians is prayer. Psalm 55 may be an especially apt prayer for women who are dealing with abusive situations. With all of you we pray these verses:

Listen, God, to my prayer;
do not hide from my pleading;
hear me and give answer.

If an enemy had reviled me,
that I could bear;
If my foe had viewed me with contempt,
from that I could hide.
But it was you, my other self,
my comrade and friend,
You, whose company I enjoyed,
at whose side I walked
in procession in the house of God.

But I will call upon God,
and the Lord will save me.
At dusk, dawn, and noon
I will grieve and complain,
and my prayer will be heard.
(Ps 55:2-3, 13-15, 17-18)