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他為什麽那樣做？暴戾專橫者的心理探秘
原著: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
作者：Lundy Bancroft
翻譯：尋ME
(評論選自AMAZON網站, 附原文及鏈接)
關於暴戾專橫的男人以及怎麽對付他們，我還沒有見過任何一本書能與此書媲美。專橫和虐待性的行為不僅讓人困惑，也常常會令人惱怒，因為施虐者往往玩弄很多操縱性的把戲，比如撒謊，影射，敲詐，否認自己發脾氣，以及對外界表現出一副“大好人”的樣子等等。
“他為什麽這麽做”這本書內容精彩，詳細解析了很多問題，其中包括：九種不同類型的施虐者；施虐男人操縱女人常用的花招；虐待性關係的早期征兆；有關施虐者的錯誤觀念（比如說喝酒導致虐待）；法律和心理保健業的專業人士；虐待對男孩和女孩的不同影響；某些家庭和社會因素怎樣把男孩培養成未來的施虐者；如何幫助受虐婦女。作者甚至還描述了如何在男人堆裏找尋施虐者，以及如何判斷一個施虐者是真的改邪歸正還是僅僅在裝模作樣。
寫這本書之前，作者朗迪班科羅夫特做過施虐男人的心理谘詢，有15年的臨床經驗。在長年的谘詢工作中，班科羅夫特跟很多擅長控製和虐待的男人打過交道，他特別提醒讀者們警惕施虐者常耍的手段，並揭穿了施虐者們常說的一些鬼話。作者通過其本人及同行們在谘詢中發生的故事，向讀者們提供了寶貴的經驗和教訓。
一個女人和她的丈夫接受夫妻谘詢，六個月之後終於開口說出了丈夫虐待她的事實。在谘詢師麵前，那個丈夫眼含淚水地坦白，說自己一直不肯麵對自己的暴力行為以及對妻子造成的傷害。但是,在回家的路上，那個男人卻一手開車，一手抓著妻子的頭發不停地向車前板上撞，同時咆哮如雷地咒罵她不該家醜外揚。
作者強烈反對就家暴問題進行夫妻谘詢，並且反對任何教導受虐婦女單方麵改變自己以期對方隨之改變的谘詢。這種心理治療不僅沒用，甚至反而會對家暴受害者起到反麵的作用，對此他詳盡地解釋了原因。施虐者往往有取悅和迷惑谘詢師的手段，而使谘詢師最終站在他的一邊。另外，施虐者還常常精通控製情緒以及化解衝突的技巧，隻是因為缺乏尊重，他們不屑於在自己的妻子或女友身上花費那個精力而已。
其它相關書籍往往以描述虐待行為見長，而這本書不僅描述了虐待者的行為，而且揭示了其背後的原因和虐待心理。對這種令人不恥的行為，費爾博士提出的問題是：“好處是什麽？”也就是說，施虐者能得到什麽報償？與其它我讀過的家暴書籍不同，本書作者對這個問題給予了詳盡的解答。不幸的是，(虐待的)好處太大了，許多施虐者因此拒絕為改變他們的態度和行為而付出努力。
作者還指出，讓施虐者樂此不疲的另一個重要原因是，他們從小就被培養出一種優越感，覺得自己在任何關係中都擁有特權，而對方則處於迎合他們的地位。因為這種優越感，他們對妻子有不公平不合理的期望，而且常常使用雙重標準。其中一個很常見的雙重標準是，施虐者可以表達和發泄自己的怒火，卻不允許對方這麽做。
這本書帶給我們的有好消息，也有壞消息。好消息是研究人員對施虐行為達到了前所未有的了解，另外，虐待是一個可以解決的問題。壞消息是，施虐者的改變任重道遠，需要一個合格的治療計劃以及當事人嚴格地一步步遵守和執行。即使有了合格的治療計劃，接受治療的施虐者中也隻有很少一部分願意按部就班地付出努力，因為改變畢竟是一個艱苦的過程。如果施虐者不認為自己有問題，那麽可以預測, 浪子回頭的幾率是零。
這裏還有幾個小小的建議和意見，但都不影響該書的價值。（1）我希望看到更多有關消極攻擊（passive-aggressive）虐待方麵的內容。作者提到在臨床谘詢中看到的一個普遍現象是，有虐待行為的男人意識到家裏不再允許虐待行為時，常常會改變策略，由公開性的虐待轉為消極性攻擊。但作者對這一現象的描述僅止與此。（2）作者提到了本領域中他敬慕的同行專家，也提到他對某些文獻中的理論並不認同。我會更願意看到他列出這些書和作者的名字。
我強烈推薦這本書，特別把它推薦給以下讀者群：遭遇或懷疑自己處於虐待性關係的人們；關心受虐者的人們；有受虐史並想打破這種模式的女人；處理虐待問題的心理健康專業人士和法律界人士；以及不想讓自己的兒子受媒體，家庭和朋友影響而變成施虐者的父母們。
感謝朗迪班科羅夫特，這部著作是對人類的一個重大貢獻。
原文及鏈接見下：
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/product-reviews/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
A MUST-READ if you are or were ever abused by your partner
This book is by far the best I've read on angry and controlling men, and how to deal with them. Controlling and abusive behavior can be quite confusing as well as infuriating, as abusers tend to use a large repertoire of manipulative tactics such as lying, projection, blackmail, denying being angry, and putting on a "Mr. Wonderful" act to the outside world, etc.
"Why Does He Do That" is exceptionally well written, carefully explaining among other things: nine types of abusers; tactics abusive men use to manipulate their partners; early warning signs of abusive relationships; myths about abusers (such as the one that alcohol consumption causes abuse); the legal system and mental health professionals; the effect of abuse on boys and girls; how some families and certain aspects of society grooms boys to be future abusers; and how to help abused women. Bancroft even describes what to look for in men's groups for abusers and how to tell if the abuser is changing for real or is just pretending to change.
Prior to writing this book, Lundy Bancroft had been in the trenches for 15 years as a counselor in an abusive men's program. As a seasoned veteran of dealing with manipulative abusive individuals, Bancroft does an outstanding job of alerting the reader to their tactics and debunking common B.S. claims they make. His stories about his clients and the clients of colleagues are fascinating and provide poignant lessons for the reader.
One woman had been in couple's counseling for 6 months with her husband and finally revealed that he was abusing her. Appearing on the verge of tears, the husband told the therapist that he had been in denial about his violence and hadn't been facing how badly it was hurting his wife. On the way home from the session, the husband kept one hand on the steering wheel and in the other clutched a large handful of his wife's hair, repeatedly slamming her into the dashboard as he gave her a screaming, expletive-filled lecture for revealing the abuse to someone outside the family.
Bancroft strongly recommends against couples counseling for abusers and any program which recommends that the abused individual unilaterally changes her behavior in hopes he'll change too. This type of therapy doesn't work and can even be counterproductive for reasons Bancroft explains in detail, and the abuser often ends up charming the therapist who may end up siding with the abuser. Besides, abusers often are fairly well versed in anger management skills and conflict resolution. They simply don't respect their partner enough to bother using these skills.
Other books are often good at describing abusive behavior, but this book describes not only what they do, but why they do it and how these men think. When Dr. Phil sees an undesirable behavior, he asks, "What's the payoff?" I.e. what rewards is the perpetrator reaping from behaving this way? Unlike the other books I've read on abuse, Bancroft thoroughly explains what these abusers are getting from the behavior. Unfortunately, the rewards are so powerful, that many abusers refuse to do the hard work of changing their attitudes and behavior.
Another important reason the behaviors are so entrenched, Bancroft points out, is that is that abusive men were often conditioned from an early age to feel entitled to be a privileged character in relationships where the partner caters to them. The abuser's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, as well as double standards. One common double standard is that only the abuser is allowed to express anger in the relationship, but not his partner.
This book provides good news and bad: The good news is that abusive behavior is understood like never before and is a solvable problem. The bad news is that it generally requires a serious commitment by the abuser to go through every step of a quality program for abusers. Even for abusers who enroll in a such a program, only a small percentage bother to do every step of the difficult, uncomfortable work of change. If your abuser doesn't think he has a problem, his prognosis for change is ZERO.
A couple small quibbles, but these in no way detract from the book: (1) I'd like to see more writing devoted to the tactics of passive-aggressive abuse. Bancroft mentions that it's common for men in his program, once they realize abuse will no longer be tolerated in their home, to switch tactics from overt abuse to passive-aggressive. But beyond that, he doesn't cover it much. (2) Bancroft mentions other professionals in the abuse field whose work he admires, and also some things in the literature he disagrees with. I would have preferred it if he named the authors and books he disagrees with.
I can't recommend this book highly enough, particularly to individuals who are or suspect they are in an abusive relationship and the individuals who care about them, women with have a history of abusive relationships who want to break the pattern, mental health and legal professionals who deal with abuse, and parents of sons who don't want them indoctrinated by the media, family and friends to be abusers themselves.
P.S. Thank you Lundy Bandcroft for writing this book. You've done humanity a great service.
良友良伴 相扶共度人生旅
十歲那年 我支持母親離了婚
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