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Today, I am in such a bad mood. I felt something so meaningful to me is dead. I lost it, as if lost a family member. It is such a deep grieving.
He keeps his contact with that woman. He used to mean so much to me. He gave me confidence, gave me love, gave me caring and let me be who I want to be. I thought he was the best thing that happens to me. All the hardship I have gone through in my life is to meet him.
He was like a hero, save me from the darkness I have felt from my family. He was a knight, he was a hero, saved me from the fear, incompleteness and unhappiness. From his love, admiration and passion, I felt like being a different person. I start to long for family, long for marriage and long for kids. Because of him, I have the courage to have a marriage and kids. I thought he is a real and solid man and a family man. A man I can trust, a man I will cherish all of my life.
After the marriage, things start to change. And he is so focused on his career. After we had the kids, I knew things have started to change. He started to be more and more distant and cold. Until I have found out on 10/27/2011.
I still cannot believe what has happened. On Oct., I saw both him and that woman walking out of the hotel room. He denied everything when I confronted him. I felt like I was the one did something wrong. I did not know how to confront so it would not make him feel too uncomfortable or bad.
I know that he keeps not telling me the truth or lying to me every time I try to confront him.Does he has any respect for me, his kids' mother?
Does he and the other woman have any moral regret or sorry for what they did to me and the family?
After the hurt and insults, I have to hide it to save the family for the kids. I did not want them to not having a complete family, a mother and a father.
But for myself, in my mind, one area, I still have the image of him as when I have first known him as, just as plaint water, not fancy but most important material of life. But he is more and more different from what I know. I felt so hurtful and almost want to kick him out and let him go and follow that woman. I think they both deserve each other and make a perfect match.
I felt I am stuck. I have my hands tied. I have a choice which I cannot act on because someone else would get hurt, my kids.
How could he being so selfish, so irresponsible? so unrespectable? Does he lose all his moral grounds? Does he lose his soul? I felt more He became so arrogant, so self-centered, so full of lies, so superficial. All the things I have cherished have disappeared.
This thing has totally changed me, how I view the marriage, human relationship and trust. He destroyed my hope for marriage, even though he was the one who brought me hope and trust for marriage before. I did so much readings about marriage, human nature, relationship and astrology and was trying to find peace with myself and make me able to find a way to convenience myself this make sense. I did think I am so much more knowledgeable, more mature, much stronger. But I am still as confusing and hurtful as before. I don't know what my future would hold. I still cannot believe everything that has happened. Hoping this was just a nightmare and a bad dream. I will wake up and find all is not real.
Also, I am observing the progress, so any finding is like putting salt onto an open wound. It sucks so bad, hurting so badly. But I cannot convenience myself to be an ostridge.
God, help me. I need more strength to endure and survive this. I need more guidance in find a way out. I felt like a bug that could be crushed in a dark tunnel. I am so vulnerable and so desperate, like a sheep waiting for the axe to come down.
Please give me strength and wisdom, God, let me go through this darkness of my life. Let me believe this world still cherish kindness, honesty and gentle heart. |
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