It is you who has internal conflict, you need to honor your own

if you want this most 你就會想如果有人對你的傑作大加褒賞,並且纖纖玉手,紅袖添香,那樣生活將是何等曼妙.但經驗又告訴你如有此人,
Then why you chose 身邊之人? 

If you at the beginning wanted 身邊之人 most, then why don't you have a  peaceful heart? 

You need to know yourself, you can not have it all.