永學哥和lilac說得都對，我再補充點兒

- if you give a man a fish, he will be totally weeded out.

Transcript should be "weirded out". I didn't find it funny. LG said it is because of the proverb, you would expect him to say something profound after "if you give a man a fish", but no one really really gives another person a fish (at least in American culture), so you will be weirded out. I didn't find this one very funny.

- When a lord comes back, he would be driving a car with a bumper sticker that says: "What would I do?" and he should have his papers ready, because his name is Jesus (with strange pronunciation, he sues?).

The commonly-seen bumper sticker is: "What would Jesus do". So when the lord comes back, the bumpter sticker would have to be "What would I do". The originally humble sticker becomes something ironic: Jesus has to look up to himself as to what to do.

The strange pronuncation one, 永學哥 is right-on.