周末一笑: 好消息 (ZT)

1 好消息            

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent.

"I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced.

"The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned.

"The good news," he added, “is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet.”

2 你納稅了嗎

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.At one point the auditor exclaimed,"Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.

As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile".

"Thank goodness" returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

3 酒後駕車

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations.At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the driver over, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00.The puzzled officer demanded to know how could that be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

4 交通事故

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ...hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'

5 機長的錄音

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew.  I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.  If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.  If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you.  That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.

6 相親

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."