正文
Self-mastery and self-discipline are the foundation of good relationships with others.
'People are very tender, very sensitive inside. I don't believe age or experience makes much difference. Inside, even within the toughened and calloused exteriors, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart.'
'When we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life--cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity--and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we become permissive or soft. ...We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless. '---我這一代的中華父母，能讀到或自己悟到這些的，很幸福呀！紅豆豆，芝麻問我是羊媽還是推媽，我慚愧地答：‘俺推，俺大半時候是推媽，小半時候是和豆豆一樣的太監媽！’自己意識到，很不consistent 的說！
讀到這一部分的時候，弄明白了與interdependence 相對的，叫做‘counter-dependent', which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. 太可怕了：在俺自己從dependency中受傷後激烈反彈出去的時候，俺以為自己變得independent 了，其實不是，那時的痛和恨，怨恨別人仿佛自己就是一victim, 其實說明在那兩年多的時間裏，自己徘徊在conter-dependence和Independence的邊緣。唉，也算是一段必經之路吧！在這個情感成熟的低級階段的人們 ‘become reactive, almost enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their "rights" and producing evidence of their individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives. Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits--constant deposits of unconditional love.’ （嗬嗬，當初都貧窮，誰會肯多存少取? 今天，我願。為了那個對我最重要的relationship： 和兒子一道成長。）
'Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It's in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win/lose mentality.
"If I 'm better than my brother, my parents will love me more." ...
Another powerful scripting agency is the peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers sometimes can be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of conformity...' (幾千年來，社會的expectations, norms 與家庭裏父母的conditional love 內外呼應，塑造一代代的生命。儒教設計得好呀！）
‘Dag Hammarskjold, past secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, rar-reaching statement: "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."
'I take that to mean that I could devote eith, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects "out there" and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with my own spouse, with my own teenage son, with my closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character-more humility, courage, and strength--to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and couses.' （好好做一個真實的人，別費勁巴力地愚弄群眾 ； 一屋不掃，何以掃天下； 秦皇反例：遠交近攻，嗬嗬，邪門兒哈！）
Stephen Convey 說， 'Creating the unity necessary to run an effective business or a family or a marriage requires great personal strength and courage. No amount of technical administrative skill in laboring for the massess can make up for lack of nobility of personal character in developing relationships. It is at a very essential, one-on-one level, that we live the primary laws of love and life.'
*******
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose insonsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can't stand confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose--until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win--until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/Lose again.
*****
Scarcity (zero-sum paradigm) Mentality: people with a scarcity mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit--even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people--even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It's almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement. Although they might verbally express happiness for others' success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else's success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be "A" students; only one person can be "number one." To "win" simply means to "beat."
Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune--not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misforturn that would keep them "in their place." They're always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.
They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with "yes" people--people who won't challenge them, people who are weaker than they.
唉！太對太可怕了！從小我們被要求要‘出其類，拔其萃’。不然就感到不安全不滿意不被愛和關注。阿小C也已經有此傾向，一定要注意加以潛移默化，溫柔善良的心才更幸福。
The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. This mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third (Win/Win) Alternatives.
以下的一些話，對教學工作很有啟發。
Win/Win puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural result of performance. And Win/Win systems create the environment which supports and reinforces the Win/Win performance agreements.
'And we have a build-in accoutability, which meant I didn't have to hover over her or manage her methods. Her integrity, her conscience, her power of discernment and our high Emotional Bank Account managed her infinitely better. We didn't have to get emotionally strung out, trying to supervise her every move and coming up with punishments or rewards on the spot if she didn't do things the way we thought she should. We had a Win/Win agreement, and it liberated us all'
The 4-step process for Win/Win solution:
1. see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. (seperate the person from the problem, to focus on interests and not on posotions)
2. identify the key issues and converns (not positions) involved
3. determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.
4. identify (or invent) possible new options to achieve those results
'People are very tender, very sensitive inside. I don't believe age or experience makes much difference. Inside, even within the toughened and calloused exteriors, are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart.'
'When we truly love others without condition, without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. We make it easier for them to live the laws of life--cooperation, contribution, self-discipline, integrity--and to discover and live true to the highest and best within them. We give them the freedom to act on their own inner imperatives rather than react to our conditions and limitations. This does not mean we become permissive or soft. ...We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless. '---我這一代的中華父母，能讀到或自己悟到這些的，很幸福呀！紅豆豆，芝麻問我是羊媽還是推媽，我慚愧地答：‘俺推，俺大半時候是推媽，小半時候是和豆豆一樣的太監媽！’自己意識到，很不consistent 的說！
讀到這一部分的時候，弄明白了與interdependence 相對的，叫做‘counter-dependent', which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum. 太可怕了：在俺自己從dependency中受傷後激烈反彈出去的時候，俺以為自己變得independent 了，其實不是，那時的痛和恨，怨恨別人仿佛自己就是一victim, 其實說明在那兩年多的時間裏，自己徘徊在conter-dependence和Independence的邊緣。唉，也算是一段必經之路吧！在這個情感成熟的低級階段的人們 ‘become reactive, almost enemy-centered, more concerned about defending their "rights" and producing evidence of their individuality than they are about proactively listening to and honoring their own inner imperatives. Rebellion is a knot of the heart, not of the mind. The key is to make deposits--constant deposits of unconditional love.’ （嗬嗬，當初都貧窮，誰會肯多存少取? 今天，我願。為了那個對我最重要的relationship： 和兒子一道成長。）
'Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what's being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It's in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation. And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the win/lose mentality.
"If I 'm better than my brother, my parents will love me more." ...
Another powerful scripting agency is the peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers sometimes can be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of conformity...' (幾千年來，社會的expectations, norms 與家庭裏父母的conditional love 內外呼應，塑造一代代的生命。儒教設計得好呀！）
‘Dag Hammarskjold, past secretary-General of the United Nations, once made a profound, rar-reaching statement: "It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses."
'I take that to mean that I could devote eith, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects "out there" and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with my own spouse, with my own teenage son, with my closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character-more humility, courage, and strength--to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and couses.' （好好做一個真實的人，別費勁巴力地愚弄群眾 ； 一屋不掃，何以掃天下； 秦皇反例：遠交近攻，嗬嗬，邪門兒哈！）
Stephen Convey 說， 'Creating the unity necessary to run an effective business or a family or a marriage requires great personal strength and courage. No amount of technical administrative skill in laboring for the massess can make up for lack of nobility of personal character in developing relationships. It is at a very essential, one-on-one level, that we live the primary laws of love and life.'
*******
Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth, as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose insonsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can't stand confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose--until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win--until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/Lose again.
*****
Scarcity (zero-sum paradigm) Mentality: people with a scarcity mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit--even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people--even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It's almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement. Although they might verbally express happiness for others' success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else's success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be "A" students; only one person can be "number one." To "win" simply means to "beat."
Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune--not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misforturn that would keep them "in their place." They're always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.
They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with "yes" people--people who won't challenge them, people who are weaker than they.
唉！太對太可怕了！從小我們被要求要‘出其類，拔其萃’。不然就感到不安全不滿意不被愛和關注。阿小C也已經有此傾向，一定要注意加以潛移默化，溫柔善良的心才更幸福。
The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. This mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third (Win/Win) Alternatives.
以下的一些話，對教學工作很有啟發。
Win/Win puts the responsibility on the individual for accomplishing specified results within clear guidelines and available resources. It makes a person accountable to perform and evaluate the results and provides consequences as a natural result of performance. And Win/Win systems create the environment which supports and reinforces the Win/Win performance agreements.
'And we have a build-in accoutability, which meant I didn't have to hover over her or manage her methods. Her integrity, her conscience, her power of discernment and our high Emotional Bank Account managed her infinitely better. We didn't have to get emotionally strung out, trying to supervise her every move and coming up with punishments or rewards on the spot if she didn't do things the way we thought she should. We had a Win/Win agreement, and it liberated us all'
The 4-step process for Win/Win solution:
1. see the problem from the other point of view. Really seek to understand and to give expression to the needs and concerns of the other party as well as or better than they can themselves. (seperate the person from the problem, to focus on interests and not on posotions)
2. identify the key issues and converns (not positions) involved
3. determine what results would constitute a fully acceptable solution.
4. identify (or invent) possible new options to achieve those results
父母自信強大而溫柔，對兒子女兒都一樣是重要的。
你家小公主，是乖乖女型的，是比較不需要‘鬥智鬥勇’滴 ：D
btw:俺和阿原，豆豆情況不同，女兒嘛！更多需要的是溫柔，偽裝很鬱悶，經常抓耳撓腮滴。。。
喜歡您的概括：是為英雄本色！
這一陣子讀Covey，想到了很多，好多思想碎片，長久以來的問題，都連了起來，開始有答案。這書簡直成了我的‘聖經’。
分開兩部分記筆記，一邊讀一邊記。還在進行中。