1 讓你重新獲得新生/Giving you a new start

One day Mark Twain read an announcement of his death in a newspaper. He hastened to the editor to protest.

"I am very sorry," the editor replied. "It's a terrible mistake, but it's too late to do much about it. The best thing I can do for you is to put you in the Birth Column tomorrow morning and give you a new start."

一天，馬克·吐溫在一份報紙上讀到一則關於他的死亡訃告。他急忙趕到編輯那兒去抗議。

“非常抱歉，”編輯說，“這是一個可怕的錯誤，但是要彌補已為時太晚。我能為您做的最好的事情是將您刊登在明天早晨出版的出生欄中，讓您重新獲得新生。”

2 朋友隻是來送行/My friends only came to say goodbye

There were three professors at the railway station. They were deep in conversation. The train had just arrived, but they did not notice it. Then the guard shouted, "All aboard!" 

The professors heard the guard and rushed for the train. Two of them got on the train before it moved. The third one was left behind. It was Professor Egghead. He looked worried. 

One of the professor's students was at the station. He tried to comfort the professor. "It wasn't really bad, sir," said the student. "Two out of three caught the train. That's quite good, you know." "I know," the professor said. "But it was my train. My friends only came to say goodbye." 

三個教授在站台上等火車。他們正在全神貫注地談話。火車進站了，可是他們都沒有注意到。這個時候，列車員喊道：“請上車了！”

教授們聽到後飛快地向火車跑去。其中的兩個剛登上去，火車就開了。最後一個名叫書呆子的教授沒有趕上火車，看起來非常焦慮。

教授的一個學生也在車站，他試圖安慰教授：“先生，這還不是很糟，三個中有兩個人已經趕上了火車。要知道，這已經很好了。”“我明白，”教授說，“但是要趕火車的是我，他們隻是來為我送行的。”

3 有多少副總裁/How many vice presidents

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing. They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"

"Really?" Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decide to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says. "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"

The clerk replies. "Canned or frozen?"

湯姆被公司提拔為副總裁，湯姆太興奮了，幾周以來一直在妻子麵前誇耀著。

最後，妻子實在忍無可忍，就跟湯姆說：“聽著，這沒什麽，雜貨店裏賣豌豆的還有副總裁呢！”

“真的嗎？”湯姆不確定這是真是假，於是決定打電話給雜貨店。

一個售貨員接了電話，湯姆問：“能讓管豌豆的副總裁接電話嗎？”

售貨員回複：“是要負責罐裝豌豆的還是負責冷凍豌豆的副總裁呢？”

4 媽媽，您可以下來了/Mother, You Can Come Down

The cruise ship my friend was working on docked at a Mexican port during a very high tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a passageway to the dock far below. 

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her 70's appeared at the top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged along slowly and finally made it to the dock safely, to everyone's relief. As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and shouted, "It's okay, mother, you can come down now." 

我的一個朋友在遊船上工作。由於潮水當時漲得很高，船停靠在墨西哥的一個港口，船上每個遊客不得不用船上很窄的跳板做通道走到很低的碼頭。 

當一位七十多歲的老婦人站在跳板的頂端時，船上所有的工作人員都嚇呆了。跳板太窄，根本沒有攙扶老人的空間。因此，老婦人隻好慢慢地側著身子往下走，最終當她安全抵達碼頭後，大家懸著的心才放了下來。下來後，老婦人轉過身，衝著跳板的另一端喊道：“沒事的，媽媽，您現在可以下來了。”

5 作弊者/Cheater

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."  

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington', and so did you."  

"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."  

"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was. 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put 'Abraham Lincoln', and so did you.”  

"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.  

"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know', and you put, 'Me neither'.”  

有一天，約翰遜先生在課堂上把約翰尼拉到講台旁邊問道：“約翰尼，我覺得你在這次考試中作弊了。” 

約翰尼非常驚訝，要求約翰遜先生拿出證據。“好的，”約翰遜先生說，“我看到你的試卷上有這樣一個問題：‘我們的第一任總統是誰？’緊挨著你的那個名叫瑪麗的女孩寫的是‘喬治·華盛頓’，你寫的也是這個答案。” 

“當然，每個人都知道他是我們的第一任總統。” 

“噢，等一下，”約翰遜先生說，“下一個問題是：‘誰解放了黑奴？’瑪麗的答案是‘亞伯拉罕·林肯’，你的答案也是一樣。” 

“噢，我昨天晚上看了曆史書，我記得。”約翰尼說。 

“等等，等等，”約翰遜先生說，“下一個問題是：‘誰在路易斯安娜大收購時期當了總統？’瑪麗寫的是‘我不知道’，而你寫的則是：‘我也不知道’。”

6 誘餌/The Bait

Mr. Smith telephoned the doctor in the middle of the night. 

"Come quickly, Doctor, you know that my wife sleeps with her mouth open. Well, a mouse has run inside her!" 

"I will be with you in about ten minutes," replied the doctor. "Until I arrive, try holding a piece of cheese in front of her mouth. This may bring the mouse out." 

When the doctor arrived, Mr. Smith was not holding a piece of cheese. He was holding a fish in front of his wife's mouth.

"What are you doing", asked the doctor. "A mouse doesn't like a fish." 

"I know," said Mr. Smith, "But we have to get a cat at first."  

史密斯先生在半夜裏給醫生打電話。 

“醫生，快來啊！你知道我妻子習慣張著嘴睡覺，結果一隻老鼠鑽進去了。” 

“我十分鍾後到，”醫生回答，“在我到達之前，試著在她嘴麵前拿一片幹奶酪，也許會把老鼠引出來。” 

當醫生到達時，史密斯先生不是拿一片幹奶酪，而是在妻子嘴前拿著一條魚。 

“你這是幹什麽呀？”醫生說道，“老鼠不喜歡吃魚。” 

“這我知道，”史密斯先生說，“可我們得先把貓引出來。”