1 好消息            

Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train's engine fell silent.

"I've got good news and bad news," the conductor announced.

"The bad news is we lost power." My fellow passengers groaned.

"The good news," he added, “is we weren't cruising at 30,000 feet.”

在紐約至華盛頓的半路上，火車的引擎突然沒聲兒了。

“我有好消息和壞消息宣布，”列車長通過廣播說。

“壞消息是我們失去動力了，” 同車的乘客們不禁抱怨了起來。

“至於好消息”，他補充說，“是我們沒有在3萬英尺上巡航”。

2 你納稅了嗎

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records.At one point the auditor exclaimed,"Mr. Carelton, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA.

As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile".

"Thank goodness" returned Mr. Carelton, with a giant grin on his face, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

一個神色緊張的納稅人正悶悶不樂地和前來查帳的國稅局的稅務審計員交談。審計員一度大聲地說，“Carelton先生，我們認為能在美國生活和工作是莫大的榮幸，而作為一個美國公民，您也有納稅的義務。我們希望您能無比樂意地帶著微笑來納稅。”

“謝天謝地”，Carelton先生咧著嘴大笑地回答，“我還以為你們是要我帶著錢來交稅呢！”

3 酒後駕車

Late one night a police officer was patrolling a rowdy bar to anticipate possible DUI violations.At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him and turned on his light and pulled the driver over, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The test results showed a reading of 0.00.The puzzled officer demanded to know how could that be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

一天深夜，一名警察去一個經常有人鬧事的酒吧門口巡邏，為了避免有酒後駕車的情況發生。酒吧打烊了，他看見一個家夥跌跌撞撞的跑出來，一下摔在路邊，隨後又用鑰匙試著開了五輛車的門才找到他自己的車。坐進車裏，好幾分鍾他又都是在摸著那些鑰匙。這時人們都從酒吧出來並且開車走了。最後他也發動了車子準備開走，警察已經等這個機會很久了，他打開燈，把司機從車裏拉出來，給他宣讀了他所享有的法定權利，然後作了酒精的測試。測試的結果是零，於是困惑的警察問他是為什麽，司機說：“今晚他們派我當誘餌。”

4 交通事故

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ...hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passersby pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'

有個人開車行駛在上班的路上，一輛卡車闖紅燈從側麵撞上了他的車，當時他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他從車裏拉出來並喚醒他。剛一醒過來，他就拚命的掙紮著，最後不得不用了藥物才讓他鎮靜下來。過了一會兒，他平靜了，別人問他為什麽要這麽恐怖的掙紮，他說：“被撞之後我就什麽都不知道了，當我醒過來，我發現我躺在了路邊，前麵是一個巨大的廣告牌上麵閃爍著‘殼牌’，但是有個人擋住了那個S。”

(“殼牌”去掉S後變成“地獄”.)

5 機長的錄音

This is your captain speaking. On behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it to waving at you. That's me, the copilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recording.

這是你們機長的聲音。請允許我代表全體工作人員，歡迎你們乘坐英國航空公司602號航班從紐約飛往倫敦。我們此時在大西洋上空35,000英尺的高度。如果你從飛機的右邊向窗外看去，你將會發現右側的兩個引擎都已經起火。如果你從左邊往外看，你就會看到那邊的機翼已經脫落了。如果你俯視下麵的大西洋，那麽你會看到一艘黃色的救生筏，上麵有三個人正在朝你揮手。那是我、副駕駛員還有我們的一名女乘務員。這是一段錄音。

6 相親

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River"

一個小夥子被安排去相親，為了能給女孩留一個好印象，他帶著她去了家收費昂貴的餐廳。服務生過來問他們要點些什麽菜。女孩開始點菜了，她幾乎點了菜單上所有的東西，雞尾蝦、派、凱撒沙拉、龍蝦、柳橙可麗餅，完全不考慮價格。小夥子變得很不安，他真沒想到女孩竟然會點這麽多菜。這時她停下了，看著坐在對麵的他，問，“你認為咱們該喝什麽酒水配這些菜呢？”

“哦，親愛的，我覺得沒有什麽東西比密西西比河更合適了。”