| 1 Photo of My Wife我老婆的照片
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
一個生意人走進一家酒館，在吧台坐下，點了一杯加冰的雙料martini。
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
喝完，那生意人往自己襯衣的口袋裏瞥了一眼，然後又讓服務員把杯子滿上。
After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
喝完，生意人又往自己襯衣的口袋裏瞥了一眼，然後又讓服務生幫他把杯子滿上。
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
這時酒館的服務生說話了，“呃，老兄，我整個晚上給你倒martini都沒有問題，但你得告訴我，你為什麽在點下一杯酒前都要往自己襯衣的口袋裏偷偷看那麽一眼”。
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
生意人回答，“我看的是我老婆的一張照片。如果照片上的人開始變得好看起來，那就說明我喝得差不多了，該回家了。”
2 Endearing Terms可愛的稱呼
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
Bernie應邀來到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie發現，不管問他老婆什麽問題，Morris總要在每句話的前麵加上一些親密的稱呼，象蜜糖，我的愛人，親愛的，甜心等等。
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered,"
說，“你們夫妻倆真夠親密的，結婚這麽多年了，你還叫她叫得那麽親密。”Morris低下頭，小聲地對Bernie說，
To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Bernie對Morris“老實跟你說吧，三年前我忘記老婆的真名是什麽了。”
3 Psychiatrist精神病醫生
Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble.
傑瑞去看精神病醫生。“醫生，我有些不對勁。
Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.
每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了！”“給我一年時間，”醫生說，“每周來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”傑瑞答道。
Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
六個月後醫生和傑瑞在街上相遇了，“為什麽你再也沒來呢？”醫生問。
For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!
“一次一百塊錢嗎？有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎麽做到的？”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉。現在那沒人了！”
4 Ground Rules基本規則
One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor.
位於開普吉拉多的東南密蘇裏州立大學有一位我很喜歡的老師，他滑稽的幽默是人所共知的。
Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class.
在對一個新生班級解釋他的基本規則時，他說：“我知道我的課程可能會枯燥乏味，所以我不介意你們在上課時看表。
I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're still running."
然而我堅決反對你們將表在課桌上猛敲以確定它們是不是還在走。”
5 Chaude and Cold熱與冷
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
蒙特利爾咖啡館的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的水龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。“這太可惡了，”他抱怨道，“標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。”
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
“可是，先生，C代表Chaude，在法語裏代表'熱'。如果您住在蒙特利爾的話就應該知道這一點。”
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
“等等，”那位顧客咆哮著，“另外一個龍頭標的也是C。”
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
“那當然，”經理說道：“這個C代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。”
6 Very stupid robbers兩個笨賊
Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"
兩個盜賊在一家旅館偷東西。第一個說：“我聽到警報響了，快跳吧！”
The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"
第二個說：“但是我們現在在第13層啊！”
The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
第一個尖叫著回敬他：“都什麽時候了，還這麽迷信！”
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