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I hope all is well with you, as always. I was so happy for the two days I was able to see you, however brief our time was. Something about seeing you smile makes me excited and happy, and I understand what you mean about laughing when you see me.
I miss being around you, and I still wake every day to thoughts of you. Last night I fell asleep thinking of the time that has transpired since we first started becoming close, and all the things that have happened. Retrospect does a lot for one's perspective, and I found myself searching for some sign of regret in my heart about being close to you. For some reason, I cannot feel regret for wanting to be near you, even considering all the mistakes and turmoil we have caused to this point. In fact, any regrets I thought I had have only served to become fears that you will never know me the way I'd like you to, or that I won't know you the way I wish to. In some ways it seems almost tragic to me that you and I share in a guilt that we cannot seem to get past. It's as if our relationship is similar to a seed that has been planted loosely, and is now halfheartedly struggling to search for a way to root itself.
After the night at the hotel, I knew that things would change and not for the better. As things started turning for the worse, in light of background checks and the inquisition that followed, my gut told me to leave everything here behind, and never look back. In fact, while seeing my family on Thanksgiving, I was tempted to find a way to get some work in the mountains to finance repaying my debts and to set aside enough to get me back on the road for a while longer. So far, I've not made any decisions, other than to not decide on any clear path.
The last few weeks have had me thinking of my place in life…am I running away from, or towards something? I suppose I would love to believe that life IS the destination, the journey is more important than actually ending up somewhere, physically, emotionally, financially, etc. I think it is a romantic notion, possible only when there are no others involved in ones' life. Adding even one person into that equation makes life a social existence, and with that a responsibility to the other people in ones' life.
So, I find myself considering how I fit into all of that. I think last year, or perhaps even a few years ago, I began cutting serious ties in my life. The hardest cut was last year, when I left Reese and Kanika. Actually, leaving her was easy, but I had spent three years as Reese's "Daddy", and that was one of the hardest, most trying times for me. Over a year later, I think I only have one person in my life that I have actually opened up to, and that is you. Why this happened eludes me still, but strangely, I consciously allowed it to happen nonetheless.
I have no doubt that you and I could find a strong bond of friendship, and perhaps more, between us in the future. Time being my greatest enemy, I can't say when things will happen, only that I'd like them to. It saddens me that I couldn't control the time in my life that your path and mine crossed, that I came into your life during a transition in mine…maybe even a transition in yours. That is, at the least, one thing that you and I share between us, and since I am one to consider that all things happen for a reason, I'm left to ponder what possible reason you and I serve to each other. Why us?
The other night I laughed to myself that in all the houses I've lived in, only one ever faced west. I grew up looking into a rising sun, and spent most of my life with the front door of my residence facing east. With that thought in mind, I began to wonder about how my life seems at it's zenith now, and I think I might like to live in a house someday that faces west…I've spent much of my life with the sun rising in front of me. Now I feel compelled to watch the sun set for the rest of my days. I think this transition in my life is about finding direction, and now I feel I must put a destination, some endpoint or goal, to it all…
I have always been of the philosophy that all things are possible in life, and never before have I felt any stronger about that than now. Maybe that idea is the sum output of all my experiences to this point. Never mind the fact that it makes mathematical sense…even the impossible can happen in singularity when given time.
I have been spending a lot of time searching for things in life the last few years that would help me to develop into the human being that I want to be. I read something recently that I found to be somewhat inspirational, and I found a personal connection to the words. It came out of a foreword to a John Steinbeck book I recently read:
"The journey…might be considered a classic example of the heroic journey, the archetypical myth that lends an essential structure to so much narrative literature. In the traditional myth, the hero—whoever he might be—abandons his safe haven and pushes forward into the wilderness (or depths) in order to test himself against the odds; in the course of this testing, he either discovers his own rich resources or comes into contact with higher powers that assist him. The story inevitably involves a returning, which completes the cycle; the point being that, upon returning, the hero has been immeasurably strengthened by the knowledge gained in the course of his difficult journey."
One thing that crosses my mind is that life is not meant for the lonely. I am not immune to fears of loneliness, and the thought of a companion, a new concept to my current equation, is something I am beginning to feel a desire for. It's not important just to have someone, but important to find that one person who has an understanding of who I am, who I can be…it's important to me that I someday find the person who can complete my circle.
Finding that in life is already difficult enough without considering the myriad other "things" that are necessary to provide that dream. I don't have those things yet, the material wealth, the security, the ability to tie opportunity to timing. At this point, I'm not even sure about how to go about finding those things, but it certainly isn't beyond my intellectual ability to find them.
So, I guess I wanted to share that with you. It does little to explain who I am at my core, I know, but it is where I've been in my thinking lately. Going to Mexico, or Colorado, or Utah, or wherever, was never important to why I wanted to go, so that I could consider such things, I think.
What it leaves me is the thought of how I should go on in my life now…
Anyway, I hope you are having a good Friday, and I want you to know how much I think of you. I am sure it is more than what you think…
With love,
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